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13375poolR: The metaphysical entity devoted to keeping reality and ideas separate.
I know that many of you have been wondering about how I am able to share such wealth of experience with you all. Certainly the most pressing question is how I managed to meet all of these famous people and how I got caught up in it all. It's a funny story really. We won't start about who my parents were because you wouldn't believe me anyway.
We'll start when I was about 12, delivering newspapers one day to King Herod. He was usually inside at that time of day, mind you, but today he was standing outside in his Calvin Klein bathrobe drinking a cup of Indonesian darjeeling when he beckoned me over to receive the newspaper in his hands. "My, you have a nice neck," he commented as he saw me approach on my Nimbus 1999 bikestick (good year). "And you as well, Mr. Herod." I replied and intended to go on my way when he said "You know there's a fair tonight in Nineveh, right?" "No sir I didn't" I replied. "Well, shame that," he said "I hear there's to be a lot of pretty girls there. You might want to show off your bikestick."
Well, since my bikestick was bitchin' (gold and obsidian lacquer, 13.25 in thrusting bow, 0 to 60 in 5.2 seconds) I considered his offer, and when the time came to make the decision I decided to go. Well, as I got there, you see, Zeus was raining firey inferno all over the damned place so I decided to go somewhere else to show off my bitchin' bikestick. See, I had heard St. Adolphus discussing a new contest that the Iroquois were having on the banks of the river Tiber, with the first prize being a brand new tasty donut.
If you know anything about me then you know that I love donuts. So I took my bikestick over there and asked them what the contest was. As it happened, Tecumseh had just finished coding Windows Vista and the contest was to run an application on his new operating system that was made before the year 2005. It was at that moment that I realized how difficult this was going to be.
It took me 3 weeks, but I'd finally written a work-around to let 'Minesweeper' run. Tecumseh could hardly believe it, but he handed over that delicious, delicious, now 3 week old donut. Tingling with anticipation I ate it and it turns out that it had magical powers. The power bestowed upon me was the ability to turn Sharpie pens another color. Well this was a delicious surprise, and so I set off to find my fortune.
Many people don't know this but Tecumseh was actually the first person to use the spelling 'donut' instead of the more ridiculous but certainly more pleasing 'doughnut,' the latter of which conceives in the mental inventory an image of a doughy nut, of the metal contraption variety commonly used in construction, which could hardly be of any use at all, naturally, to builder or baker alike. So Tecumseh, knowing that the controversy over the spelling that represents the word which represents the concept of 'donut' or alternatively 'doughnut' in our conscious experience, might very well tear his company apart, blamed the less favored spelling on the schemes and machinations of President Taft, then also known as 'Tubby the Walrus Boy,' an erstwhile shoe-shiner at many London whist parlors.
And the rest, naturally is history.